When Friendship Becomes a Competition: The Hidden Pressure Among Kids

My eldest child started Primary 1 this year. She’s naturally cheerful and friendly—the kind who’ll walk up to a stranger at the playground and ask, “Want to play with me?” One of her close friends is in the same class at school, the same group in student care, and even lives just a block away. On weekends, they’d play together with other kids from the neighborhood. 

Recently, I noticed something had changed. While fetching my daughter, I asked why her friend no longer took the same bus or came out at the usual time. She casually said:

“We broke up. She said she doesn’t want to be friends anymore.”

I asked her what happened. When she told me the full story, I was stunned by the reason.

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🎓 The Beginning of Competition

At school, they have weekly English dictation tests. My daughter generally does well, often scoring full marks or just a few mistakes. But our family motto has always been:

“Study hard, play harder.”

After all, she’s only seven.

One day at student care, they were practicing for the upcoming dictation. During the practice session, my daughter made two mistakes while her friend got full marks. Later, the SC teacher asked who had gotten full marks on the actual test the week before. My daughter raised her hand and showed her result. As a small reward, she was given a sticker.

Later that day, her friend told her bluntly that she no longer wanted to be friends.

My daughter, taken aback, responded,

“Okay, I have other friends. But why don’t you want to be friends anymore?”

The girl simply replied, “Because it’s not fair that you got the sticker.” Her comparison of academic marks has been ongoing for some time, and it has particularly affected her, as she currently serves as the English subject leader.

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💔 Choosing Kindness Over Winning

During tea break, my daughter quietly walked over and left the sticker on her friend’s table. Later, the girl asked who gave it to her. Trying to win back the friendship, my daughter gave a cheeky smile and said, 

"You already know. I’m the only one who got it.”

The friend smiled playfully—but added, “We’re still not friends.”

That moment stayed with me. Even though my daughter “won” the sticker, she chose to give it away—because to her, the friendship was worth more than the prize.

She later told me she felt a little sad, but it was okay.

“I still have other friends,” she said.

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🧠 A Parent’s Reflection

That night, I couldn’t stop thinking. Did I unknowingly make her feel the need to compete? Do our systems, expectations, and even casual rewards set kids up to measure themselves against their friends?

In many schools—especially in places like Singapore, where academic performance is heavily emphasized—competition begins early. And it can come with a cost: not just pressure, but lost friendships and misplaced priorities.

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💛 Let’s Raise Kids Who Value Kindness

Competition can be healthy. It can build drive and discipline. But when it starts to hurt more than it helps, we need to ask: what are we really teaching our children?

Let’s remind them—and ourselves—that success is not just measured in marks or medals.

Let’s teach them that kindness, empathy, resilience, and respect are the most valuable things they can carry through life.